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12/29/2004 Archived Entry: "Festive spirals.... not liking"

My body shivers, like it's anticipating something awful or merely unable decide what it wants to do, but has to do something.

The sunken, tingling sensation in my chest is alien to me, but at the same time, eerily reassuring, as it proves that something has a very important influence on my being.

It seems like eons ago, when a different, more welcome, shiver was all I would feel... this will be sorely missed.

The more I try to focus on the recent past, the more it seems like a hazy dream that I am only now beginning to make sense of, questioning how it could have become the way it has, cleverly hidden by my own denile.

My soul clings to the memorys, futile, yet determined to not let itself fall prey to reality... as it is dark and burns with such searing pain.

But it is the only way.

The past shall always remain as it was, so never forget.
The present shall always remain as it is, so never regret.

The future is all you have influence over.

And deep within me, the tears begin to well, but I am unable to embrace their terrible release.

Not now.

The release is terrifying, the loss of control is not something I enjoy, but then there is nothing else that could ease the pain so effectively.

So now I wait patiently.

Wait for time I can embrace the release and extinguish some of the flames scorching my very being.

The entire blaze can never be destroyed, but controlling it, keeping it to but a few flickers, makes each and every day that much more bearable.

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